vacation apathy revisited

i sin
so that i forget to lie
i lay
unresponsive
with an empty stare
wondering why
the ceiling looks so bare
why i couldnt say no again
why thoughts race to no home
starving cats
quiet guitar
email responses
jobs to seek out
a new place to live
a reason for living
dreams to make real
college to finish
lovers to please
children to raise
money to make
cars to buy and upkeep
music to make
nights to go out
teeth to be cleaned
body to check out
body to excercize
mind to develop
things to get rid of
everything is getting stale
everything is getting hard
i hate everything right now
i hate everything because its now
i want to run away and collapse
find a strange place and recoil
into the arms of shellshock
the arms of cold
sit and watch
the moon and sun collide
the whispers of new air
the smell of something else
find my way through it all
retain my security walls
and listen above all
to the silence
as my life takes me away
from everything i know

morning song

im blazing like the sun
scorching eyes and burning flesh
everwhere i go i see vapor
in the air
on the ground
hot fields and dry grass
people hiding from my rays
overheating
mechanical malfunctions
pleasure
comfort
fever ridden
boiling blisters
bleaching agents
torn apart by elasticity
crackling twigs
sparks and flicker
hot air twisters
consuming all i see
let nothing stand in my way
gasoline
kerosene
panel cells
volcanic rock
i take a pill
and die at night
i will resurrect
in the shape of a bird
to the early morning song

broken chair

arriving late...
as usual
i made my way to the very back
took the seat that was damaged
repairing it was all i could think of
throughout the day i dreamed
of taking it home and buying a new screw for it
making it functional again and giving it new purpose
i sat on the edgetrying not to damage it further
i sat thereand dreamedso much that i didnt even think
how i was going to manage to take it homei never asked
and there is the problem
because by asking i draw attention to it
and i dont want to be noticed
or else the poor chair suffers
and i will think about it for days and days
thinking about how i couldve accomplished it
the ways it couldve worked it to my advantage
i sat there
and i thought a lot
and i decided to go to the store
buy the parts needed
and fix this chair
on the spot
tomorrow
everything
comes
tomorrow

Thursday, May 19, 2005
it's my party and i'll play if i want to
seriously,
the sonnets,
newly reformed w mystery new bassist
AND special guest
at phyllis' this saturday.
so this is basically a trial by fire show
to initiate the bassist
hehehe
this saturday
may 21st
phyllis' musical inn
1800 w. division (wood)10pmhttp://www.sonnetsrock.com

i wish i were an oscar meyer wiener
that way i wouldnt be sick. Damn, this cough has the best of me. Hope it aint serious. Ok, so i think the sonnets got a bassist for saturday. Got to rehearse it to see how well it goes. Trial by fire is the best way but still, its kinda nerve wrecking. Yeah so everything is kinda floating along, dont know where its gonna drop me or how but im trusting in good things happening.
i need some soup...damn i do wish i had a store next door so that i could just order me some soup and come back and die on my futon.
cough cough
ugghh
i need a remedy.

VIVA LA REVOLUCION CARAJO!
ok...so here is the deal...long ass week, long long long, too much shit to even bother covering. ALL im gonna say is this, its been interesting, its been fun, but real change is coming after me and im not gonna sit by twiddling my fingers in idle contempt. If things are truly going to change then it will have to be swift and violent. Ive been set in this pattern for far too long and i need to find out what it is i have to do next. So if this past year serves as any indication, i will truly blossom again this upcoming year. Better all the time.
VIVA LA REVOLUCION CARAJO!!!

SAM
my dog SAM died today
he was 15 years old
im very heartbroken
he is too big to bury in yard
his soul has left.

Here is what others had to say about him.

Dave
ahh que pena!! I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Hope you feel better.
how'd it die? natural causes? R.I.P. Sammy. =(
Ikela
oh no!My <3 goes out to you, i know what it feels like. sniff.Hugg-m.d.m.
Jannet
Aww =.( Im sorry about ur dog =0( *Hug*
Christine
Such a handsome man, that Sam. D.E.P. -cm
Val
Sam-able to make pit bulls shit themselves at the drop of a hat and show thieving pugs who's the boss, white eyebrows and all. He ruled and I'll miss him.
Benny
Man I know exactly how you feel. I had 2 Rotties and we had to put one down 2 years ago. Pancho is till w/ me but I get choked up just thinking about loosing him. I had Homer cremated, it wasn't too bad, like $150.00 bux. Let me know if u need the info. Cuidese mucho compa. Un abrazo.
p.s. Pancho and I will Howl in honor of your boy tonight!
Brittany
Sorry. about your dog.
Tina
aw v., :( sending over big hugs and love your way....
Jenny
RIP Sammy- I'll miss your "happy farts of joy".
Oh man-best dog hands down...miss em already! = o (
Leslie
I'll say it yet again, i am so sorry to hear of your loss :-( I met him only 2xs but I really remember that huge buddy markin his territory for all the chicks... he was a big guy, and seemed very sweet, normally i am afraid of big dogs. I'm sorry you lost your big boy.
Sarah
Perder un ser querido es lo más difícil en el mundo... pero yo creo que el alma de tu cachorro sigue muy vivita, quizá en otro mundo de flores y mariposas, y ése es el único consuelo que te puedo ofrecer.un abrazo.

Sotano
So thurs rolled around and i started to see the first signs of movement from my sister. my friend came over and we hung out some at her friends apt, theyre artists and very nice people as well, ate at pita inn woohoo b4 picking up another friend and heading on over to neo. danced somewhat, mainly a bit of socializing on my behalf, went out to breakfast w a 3d friend, drove one friend and myself home, went to lalalalalalaaand, friday got into seeing my neice join my sister in movearama, so then another friend picked me up, went to go have some food, hung out, went by the cool cool lake at nite (montrose harbour), saw people fishing, drinking, etc. but where we walked it was quiet and all we could hear was the quiet lapping of tiny waves against the lake walls, and the distant rumble of wheels on lsd. the city looked great as the night was clear and picturesque, almost postcard quality, very nice to see chicago from afar when one is sick to death of it. anyway, we then drove around and ended up meeting 2 friends at live band karaoke. it was the first time seeing them play there, and it was pretty good, very very good band. the guitarist chick and the bassist used to share a rehearsal place with us in pilsen ages ago. anyway, i got to see my friend do helter skelter! awesome, some other songs, i was set to do X's Johnny hit and run Pauline, but the band made a mistake putting the song down without knowing it, and i had to improvise wot i was gonna sing, i went into a blank and ended up doing Bowie's Sufragette City. It was a good version and the crowd seemed to dig it, oh well. Anyway, after that it was lights out for me, i was exhausted. The next day i got up early to help sister, do some chores, and got some hornado for all to partake. I went to see my friend at the store so since it was lunchtime i brought her some too, she didnt enjoy hers quite as much as i did mine...and i did enjoy mine immensly!!! Anyway, hung out there for a bit, drove us home, hung out, got ride from a friend, got mcds (ugh) drove back to nw indiana, drove back, ended up going to friends house who gave ride, looked thru cd's, passed out, woke up, grabbed computer, and came home and died. Sunday woke up, saw niece for split sec. still moving, did some practicing, friend came over, took me to gunther murphys to see the Rock for the Whisper II which had some great bands. I got there in time to see BoozeMaster, then the Safes as a 4 piece again...awesome. Then the heebie geebies performed, it was ok, then our drummer and i took the stage. It was a 2 piece which i jokingly described as the brown stripes. I didnt know we were being recorded but we were. Oh yeah, i had gotten a bit tipsy and decided to call chuck last minute to see if he wanted to do it LOL. I drunk dialed an ex band member hhahahahahaha. Of course he declined. So we did the best we could, usual performance set, ended it w the Kinks' Where Have All the Good Times Gone. The soundman bought me a double makers, as did my friend and this yuppie couple, i was headed for trouble. The organizers said they gave me the biggest balls award to do this show still as a 2 piece. Oh well, chicken was never that good! heh, Then we saw Plastik Explosives, theyre really good!! then saw the Matics who have changed somewhat since i last saw them but are getting pretty tight, then the Phenoms did a raving show. Then my bandmate and friend both wanted to eat something badly, so i told them to leave as i wanted to watch the last band Mexican Cheerleader. So they left and i watched. Saw some old friends, hung out, got picked up again, got taken home, collapsed. Oh i know i shouldnt have drank that much, all the pbr's in the world and all the whiskey i could handle (w pbr) and the ciggys, and i was a wreck, add to the fact that i hadnt had anything to eat ALL DAY and it was midnight and i was still drinking (started at almost 6pm) and when i got home i just felt like crap. I had to late night snack, there was no other way around it.Thank god there was monday....so now im paying for it.Monday rolled around and so did i, in bed. I felt like not moving at all. But then i got woken up and took out the pooch, went for a quiet stroll, got back in, my friend called, we went to breakfast, ate delicious breakfast faire, got back, did some online things, then chilled. Did nothing the whole day basically other than be online, make a bigger mess, eat eat and eat, long lazy day, what can one do when the night b4 was everything vice? Im ill again, someones lovely virus has got me, so im coughing and im feeling ill, and my state of mind is getting scared as the move approaches and i have yet to find myself in any kind of stable ground. We shall see...we shall see!